


Shadows are calling (pulling me under)

by Bohemian (Linguam)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Malec, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Worried Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 22:42:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13936956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linguam/pseuds/Bohemian
Summary: "I'm just... weary."“Of what?”“Life. Living.”





	Shadows are calling (pulling me under)

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I have no idea where this came from.
> 
> Stay safe, everyone <3

“Magnus? Is everything all right?”

At first, Alec doesn’t think his boyfriend hears him, standing by the patio window with his back toward the front door that Alec just entered through. It’s late, he just got back from patrol, and he was convinced that he’d come home to find Magnus in bed, sound asleep.

He opens his mouth to repeat the question when he receives a small nod, and an all too flat, “I’m fine,” for an answer.

Alec frowns as he moves across the loft in a few long strides.

“No, you’re not.” He halts beside his boyfriend, close but not touching. Something tells him it wouldn’t be welcome. “Did something happen?”

Magnus sighs deeply, as if the mere prospect of answering is too exhausting to even consider.

“No, nothing has happened. I’m just… weary,” he eventually settles on, and Alec can see it in the slump of his shoulders, the dulled gleam of his natural eyes in the 3a.m. darkness surrounding them.

“Of what?”

“Life. Living.”

Alec stiffens.

“Magnus…”

“It’s always the same,” Magnus says tonelessly. “War, strife, death, people hurting one another, _good people._ Nothing ever changes. It’s just all so…” He sighs again. “Pointless.”

Alec opens his mouth, nothing on his mind but a burning need to say _something_ , but Magnus continues as if to himself, “I need to sleep,” and then turns around, retreating toward their bedroom and leaving Alec staring after him with the chilling realization that it’s one of _those_ days.

By the time he manages to unglue himself from the floor and follow his boyfriend into the bedroom, Magnus is already lying on his side under the covers, makeup still on and eyes at half-mast, staring vacantly at a random spot on the bed. The very air around him radiates hopelessness and abject misery and it’s just plain _wrong._

Alec swallows around the fist squeezing his throat and moves to lie down on his side of the bed, mirroring Magnus’ position. They’re close enough that Alec can feel the heat of Magnus’ body, the gentle brush of air as he exhales, but it still seems like there’s a whole world between them—because Magnus has disappeared to a place where Alec can’t follow, is facing demons Alec can’t see: that he wouldn’t be able to fight off with his bow or a seraph blade, even if he could.

It’s scary, looking at someone you feel like you know better than yourself, and not recognize them.

“Can I hold you?” He isn’t surprised when the words come out thick and gravelly. But this, at least, this, is something he can do.

Magnus sighs tiredly.

“Why?”

“Because I want to.” _Because I need to, need to feel you close, to keep you here, with me, to keep you from drifting away._

Magnus shrugs, like he doesn’t care, or like it doesn’t matter either way. Alec tries not to take it personally. He scoots closer, reaches out and gently pulls until Magnus is flush against him, face hidden in the crook of Alec’s neck and his still spiked-up hair tickling Alec’s chin.

Alec understands feeling down, the Angel knows he has had to deal with his fair share of self-destructive emotions, but Magnus’ despondency sometimes seems to run so much deeper, as if it originates from the very beginning of time. Whereas Alec struggles with accepting that he is deserving of all the goodness the world has to offer, Magnus struggles to see that it exists at all.

The thought alone of a world with no hint of light _anywhere_ is terrifying, feeling it and actually _believing_ it unimaginable, and Alec hugs his boyfriend closer.

“You’re okay,” he whispers into Magnus’ hair, a plea and a reassurance all in one. “You’re okay. I got you, and I’m not leaving.”

He wishes he could transfer all the love he feels for this wonderful, selfless, caring man by sheer force of will, but he can’t. So he keeps up a litany of quiet nothings, one hand moving up and down Magnus’ back in slow strokes, the other cradling his boyfriend’s head. Magnus doesn’t say anything, doesn’t react at all to his words or ministrations, and Alec gives up on trying to hold back his tears, because Magnus is hurting and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it and he _hates it._

It’s a relief when Magnus’ breathing deepens, sleep finally claiming him.

Alec stays awake long after the first rays of sunlight start peeking through the curtains, the pillow beneath him damp, hugging his boyfriend as if his arms are the only thing keeping Magnus from completely disappearing.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Ruelle's Deep End.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I´m lost in the deep end](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14233860) by [broken_fannibal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_fannibal/pseuds/broken_fannibal)
  * [[Podfic] Shadows are calling (pulling me under)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15705837) by [broken_fannibal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_fannibal/pseuds/broken_fannibal)




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